The Comfy Zone

Another contender for Story of the Year

2008-11-07T17:02:00.000-08:00

Bacon wins over Fries in tasty Colorado race

updated 3:31 a.m. PT, Thurs., Nov. 6, 2008

LOVELAND, Colo. - There was a tasty race for Colorado senate when voters got to choose between Bacon and Fries.

In the end, Bacon won.

Democrat incumbent Bob Bacon defeated Republican challenger Matt Fries on Tuesday 63 percent to 37 percent to represent the district that encompasses most of Larimer County in northern Colorado.

"I am so pleased that the voters appreciate the work that I have done," Bacon said

Bacon originally was elected to the seat in 2004 after serving three terms in the state House of Representatives. Fries is a long time education advocate.

Man dies after Bowling 300 game

2008-10-31T13:10:00.001-07:00

This has gotta be an early contender for Story of the Year.

http://www.wzzm13.com/news/news_story.aspx?storyid=100829&catid=14

Phillies World Series Parade

2008-10-27T10:08:00.000-07:00

Apparently this was the 3rd most popular Google search today. The top result is a guy yelling at people for doing this search, he thinks it's gonna jinx them.

I say: F the jinx. It's gonna happen. But where? Well, definitely Broad Street. And seeing as this drought has lasted 25 years, hopefully the parade planners will map out something appropriately momentous: i.e. from Easton, through Doylestown, via Jenkintown, all the way downtown to the stadium complex. (Broad Street is 611 after all) The rally should then be held at the Vet, which we will rebuild (along with JFK) to hold all of the people who are going to show up.

But when is the parade gonna happen? This is the question swirling around the swirl-hole of myself and anyone else who is currently, conspicuously, out of town.

I looked up every World Series victory parade for the last 15 years, and the vast majority of them have taken place two days following the final out. So if Hamels does it tonight, that would mean Wednesday.

Some parades took place 3 days after the last game, which I'm hoping for since I need to change my flight to get home and can't get out of here until Wednesday.

Let's keep in mind, though, that a Phillies World Series Victory is proportionally akin in significance to human beings colonizing the moon or the Beatles coming back to life and joining Led Zeppelin for a nine month long rock-your-fuckin-brains-out sold-out summer stadium tour. The difference is that the latter two things will probably never happen, whereas the first one will. Tonight. (or at least this week)

Point is: everyone's gonna take off on Wednesday or Thursday or (if they're smart, and I'm lucky) Friday, and everyone's gonna go A.P.E.

Then there's the big event next Tuesday, on which day I urge you to vote Hamels-Lidge and strike terrorism out swinging.

stupid graphic of the day

2008-10-14T10:28:00.000-07:00

I Pulled Over a Cop

2008-09-22T09:24:00.000-07:00

I've seen enough police driving around in LA wantonly ignoring traffic laws that I've on several occasions thought about stopping in at the station and giving the chief a dress down (in the way that 80s cop show chiefs always dress down our hero, even though you know Hunter's totally got everything under control). But I never actually did anything about it. Until now.

I was on my motorcycle at a stop sign somewhere in West LA. In front of me was a cop, making a right. He didn't use his turn signal. I was a little indignant, my mood having been soured by a text message argument I'd had a few minutes before with a relative who loves getting into text message arguments.

So the fucker turns right, and I turn right behind him, totally using the shit out of my turn signal.

I'm driving behind him, steam emanating slightly from the sides of my helmet, when Officer Deuchebagian suddenly decides to pull over to the right side of the road, AGAIN not using his signal. He just breaks suddenly and pulls over.

I immediately signal and pull over next to him.

I roll up to his window, and he looks over at me. The conversation goes something like this:

ME: "I've got a question for you."

HIM: Nods his head

ME: "How come we have to obey traffic laws but you guys can just drive around not even using your turn signals?'

HIM: Mumbles & things that can't be understood through motorcycle helmet.

ME: "I mean, it sucks when regular people don't use their signals, especially when you're on a motorcycle. And if you're not even doing it, then..."

HIM: "Well technically, the rule is that you only have to do it when someone is in close proximity."

He actually said that. I decided not to dispute that steaming pile of horseshit, nailing him instead here I knew I had proof.

ME: "But there was someone in close proximity--me. I was right behind you just now when you pulled over without using your signal, and I was right behind you back there when you made a right without using your signal."

HIM: Shrugs his shouders, clearly now just embarrassed.

ME: "Come on, man. What the fuck."

HIM: "It's... it's a bad habit. I'm sorry."

I shake my head at him and drive off.

Throwing some passive aggressive guilt-tripping on a cop feels really good-- I encourage you to keep a close eye on them and call them out on stupid shit whenever possible.

ham, anyone

2008-09-09T12:42:00.001-07:00

mmm, nothing makes my mouth water like watching a french pig slice itself apart for my lunch!

the beatles are the best band ever

2008-08-17T17:49:00.000-07:00

Lil' Suga Daddy

2008-08-11T10:10:00.001-07:00

aww yeah. my favorite picture to come out of Beijing during the 'Lympics so far:

From an IM with ASH...

2008-07-28T09:16:00.001-07:00

'There was this bar in the NE that my college buddy went to, that on wednesday night it was "weapon night" where you bring something from your house, like a frying pan, and the wrestlers would use your item to hit the other wrestler...'

I think this is a beautiful idea, and distinctly Philadelphian. I'm glad ASH brought this (possibly apocryphal) story to our attention. Also, if you brought a weapon to "weapon night", it would entitle you to a $1 off beer.

Stop Dorking in Wienerberger!

2008-07-25T11:18:00.000-07:00

The largest brick manufacturer in the world is called Wienerberger and
they are based in Dorking, UK.

Ma

2008-07-22T12:19:00.000-07:00

I feel like I felt the day Ted Knight died. In memorium, here's one of my favorite Ma scenes:

DOROTHY AND BLANCHE ARE PRESENT. ENTER SOPHIA THROUGH

THE FRONT DOOR. SHE’S WEARING A GRAY TRENCHCOAT.

DOROTHY

Oh, hi ma. How was bingo?

SOPHIA TURNS TO FACE DOROTHY, AND WITH HER BACK TO

THE AUDIENCE, SHE OPENS THE TRENCHCOAT AND FLASHES

HER DAUGHTER.

SOPHIA

Judge for yourself.

DOROTHY

Ma, you don’t have any clothes on!

SOPHIA

Tell me about it. I just walked 10

blocks. I got a bellybutton full of tweed.

DOROTHY

Well what the hell happened?

SOPHIA SITS DOWN ON THE COUCH AND DOROTHY JOINS HER.

SOPHIA

In the middle of bingo, Maury Heseltein sits down.

He’s the big practical joker at the

center. Believe me, Howie Mandel is

funnier. Anyway, he tells me to sniff

his carnation for good luck. I take one whiff and bingo...

BLANCHE

Ah, he squirted your dress with ink.

SOPHIA

Actually it was Del Monte Prune Juice.

It's free at the center. It's a come

on. They make their real money on the

padded toilet seat rentals.

DOROTHY

So what happened to your clothes?

SOPHIA

Maury took them to have them cleaned.

Dorothy I still can't believe it

happened. I've never been so humiliated.

DOROTHY

Ma, honey there's no reason for you to

be embarrassed. He plays tricks on

everybody.

SOPHIA

I'm talking about on my way home.

My belt came loose in front of a

construction site. Nobody whistled and

two guys went home sick.

ENTER ROSE FROM THE BEDROOM HALLWAY.

ROSE

Hi girls.

DOROTHY

Oh, hi Rose.

ROSE

Sophia, what are you doing with that

heavy coat on inside the house?

SOPHIA GETS UP AND FACES HER. WITH HER BACK TO THE

AUDIENCE, SHE OPENS THE TRENCHCOAT AND FLASHES ROSE.

SOPHIA

You tell me Rose.

SOPHIA LEAVES THROUGH THE BEDROOM HALLWAY.

DOROTHY

MA!

ROSE

Dorothy, was Sophia naked just now or

does her dress really need ironing?

Truly one of the best bits of comedy dialogue I've ever heard. R.I.P. Ma.

Goodbye, Sophia

2008-07-22T11:58:00.000-07:00

you'll always be a curmudgeony old bat to me.

ps- look at Rose's face: "uh oh, there she goes again..."

awww

2008-07-21T11:23:00.001-07:00

adorable.

HELP!

2008-07-21T11:19:00.000-07:00

Dear Boniva:

I recently read an article in the newspaper that said that taking too much Boniva could make all my bones become brittle and prone to painful fractures. Needless to say, I was a little shocked and disappointed to hear such troubling news. I have recently undertaken a strenuous regimen wherein I take many times the recommended dosage of your bone-making bone drug, in the hopes of converting my outer layer of flesh into a chitonous shield of rock-hard bone matter. Now that I've read the news, I'm worried. What if my plan doesn't work and my new bone-shield is penetrated? I'm nervous and really confused -- my question is: exactly how much of my flesh should I convert into bone?

- Porous in Peoria

"Breaking" News on Boniva!

2008-07-15T09:18:00.000-07:00

Read all about the "Shatter Matter"

twister my mister

2008-07-10T12:53:00.000-07:00

finally, someone with the same fantasy as me...

http://i17.tinypic.com/868p1sw.gif

Gay Cuban Stanzo

2008-07-01T14:14:00.001-07:00

This was one of the guys we hung out with in Cuba. He was basically exactly like a gay cuban Thatstanzo. If Thatstanzo was Cuban and gay, this is who he would be. He's also an accountant.

zzZZZAP!

2008-06-19T14:54:00.000-07:00

Criminy, I hope not.

Woodstock '99

2008-06-19T11:16:00.000-07:00

Ahh, the memories...

Still Hangin' Tough

2008-06-12T09:12:00.001-07:00

Guess who's getting back together? This is gonna be bigger than the long-awaited comeback of my bunions.

AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!

2008-06-05T10:43:00.001-07:00

punchy punch!

2008-05-29T08:59:00.001-07:00

this is what happens to your face when you get punched. wow. I think i'll think twice before challenging any more irishmen to fistfights...

http://eastsidestages.com/punches/AQ_PUNCHES_EDIT.mov

my new tattoo

2008-05-28T14:48:00.000-07:00

just got it etched forever in the space between my shoulderblades.

BTW, dole96.com is available now.

fear my beak

2008-05-26T18:35:00.001-07:00

Polygamous Progeny Back in Multi-Mom Fold

2008-05-22T12:43:00.000-07:00

Flock of 16th century German hausfraüs leave courtroom, ecstatic over Judge's decision.

The main reason I'm posting this pic: what's up with that uni-browed one in the lilac dress in the background? And less importantly, is that fat lady headed inside wearing pyjamas?

Swagoon & the U.S. State Department

2008-05-19T14:36:00.000-07:00

Since signing up for a G-Male account with my firstname.lastname@gmail.com awhile back, I haven't used it much. The ads targeted at the content of my emails creep me out a bit (I'm still surprised no one else ever seems to be bothered with that; I guess you can buy a lot with unlimited storage and a clean interface).

Anyhoo, I just checked my e-boxx for the first time in awhile and it's filled with 2 types of emails:

1) Sales orders from some Australian time share company, complete with lots of people's credit card numbers & info on deposits they've made on Condos Down Under (C.D.U.s)

2) Emails from junior staff members at the U.S. State Department to someone with the same name as me, who I presume is their superior. Most of the emails include attachments with internal State Department cables detailing various international situations. Here's an example:

January 22, 2008

Summary: US bidding complaints unfounded, Tobacco Industry Needs More Time

USG expressed concern over the liberalization of tobacco imports and requested a response to Washington’s prior query. Ruritainia’s representative noted the relative weakness of their small tobacco industry and pleaded the need for time to become competitive with developing countries like the U.S. D/G also noted what he perceived as an anomaly in the U.S. wherein exports are pushed while domestic consumption is heavily discouraged. D/G noted that Ruritania currently imports 1/3 of their leaf tobacco from the U.S. and considers that a “fair share.”

Big time mixup? Or has Swangoon been living a dual life as an Australian timeshare salesman / U.S. State Department official?

Incidentally, here are the targeted ads that were on that emailed cable I pasted above:

Cable & Internet Bundles

Cable Internet & Digital Cable Pkgs Compare Plans & Sign Up Today!
www.CompareCableOffers.com

Comcast - Official Site

Digital Cable, Internet & Phone Sign Up Today - $99 per Month
www.comcast.com

Professional Cabling

Corporate & Data Center Cabling Cat 5e, Cat6, Fiber, Data Centers
www.commnetinc.com

Elixir™ Cables

Do guitar cables impact tone? Find the answer at:
www.ElixirCables.com

HDMI DVI Cable from $6.30

24K Gold Connectors, 28 AWG 1-50ft,Lifetime Warranty,Certified

UPDATE: I found some more information on myself:
"[Swangoon is] the head of an office called the Bureau of Caribbean Affairs and is responsible for a number of countries in the region including the D.R., Trinidad & Tobago, and Suriname as well as some others. He reportedly is also responsible for the international relations aspects of Puerto Rico and the USVI."
Swangoon!

UPDATE #2: Some more details I dug up on myself: before joining the State Department, I was the director of Madison Guaranty, the Arkansas S&L that was at the center of the Clinton-Whitewater controversy. In that capacity, I issued the following quote: "I'm a politician, and as a politician I have the prerogative to lie whenever I want." This quote has apparently become kindof famous. Good for you, Swangoon.

Chinaman's Chance for Blade-foot Boer

2008-05-16T11:14:00.000-07:00

Or:

Cheetah-Feet Repeat: Go Compete!

In a stunning reversal of a ruling handed down just three months ago by the International Association of Athletics Federation, blade-footed amputee sprinter and full-time Boer, Oscar Pistorius will be allowed to compete for a place in the Beijing Olympics.

Story here!

Silent Version, "His Girl Friday"

2008-05-16T09:14:00.001-07:00

This has got to be one of the coolest things I ever saw.

Have you ever seen Howard Hawks' His Girl Friday? It's an avalanche of words. People talking constantly and fast the whole time through. Aaron Sorkin would be proud. Well, someone made a montage of all the bits and pieces where no one is talking, no one at all. It makes for a very funny edit. Advice: watch it twice.

http://www.dvblog.org/movies/03_2007/his_girl_friday_between_the_lines_edit.mov

Parking GAAAGE

2008-05-15T10:20:00.000-07:00

A Little Known Fact About the Iron Sheik

2008-05-14T12:47:00.000-07:00

In 1987, "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan and Khosrow were pulled over by New Jersey police after a WWF event, suspecting Duggan of driving under the influence. After a search of the vehicle and the persons, police discovered that Duggan was under the influence of marijuana and alcohol, while the Sheik was high on cocaine. Small amounts of cocaine were also found in the vehicle. Duggan received a conditional release while the Sheik was placed on probation for a year. The mini-scandal that erupted after two in-ring enemies were found drinking and doing drugs together led to the end of the angle, the Sheik's release, and Duggan's temporary departure from WWE.

farting show down

2008-05-12T15:48:00.000-07:00

Im sorry but you have to check this out this is so funny

steampunked iPhone

2008-05-12T13:38:00.001-07:00

The Real Zombie Lincoln

2008-05-11T17:03:00.001-07:00

I think you should all do that to your bills from now one. I'll do the same with the more colorful yet less stately Canadian bills.

That's a Big Cuppa Green Tea!

2008-05-08T14:43:00.000-07:00

Or maybe its already drank tea, since I was too lazy to walk up 3 flights of stairs to use the can. It kept filling up, and I kept thinking "wow, thatshowbiggapissis!"

Beethoven's 5th Argument

2008-05-05T09:50:00.001-07:00

an awesome sketch from the Sid Caesar Show, circa 1950something...

Advice, by Yuri Splishsplash

2008-05-02T17:18:00.000-07:00

Every onceinawhile you need some advice, and Yuri Splishsplash is there to give it to you. Here's a bit of Friday afternoon wisdom from our old pal Yuri.

What's That Filly Chompin' On?

2008-05-02T15:04:00.001-07:00

Looks like an old fashioned goatsack!

In Honor of Lt. Dee Dee McCall

2008-04-29T13:46:00.001-07:00

Otherwise known as "The Brass Cupcake." (for realzies)

You were tough, you were hot, you were gentle, you kindof looked like my mom... Thanks for the memories.

Note: Stefphanie Kramer is not actually dead, I just thought about her and was like whoa, Dee Dee McCall was sweet.

Signs on the BC Ferry to Vancouver Island

2008-04-28T22:43:00.001-07:00

The following are little square signs that were all over the ferry that took me from Vancouver to Vancouver Island (about a 2 hour ferry). Each one's about 6 inches square. It was populated with a motley collection of grizzled beary folk, scrappy kids, stoned hippies, and me.

The game: try to figure out what each of the symbols actually refer to!

My answers:
1. a propane tank-fueled bowtie
2. a wind-up bowtie
3. sideways club sandwich with an olive sticking in it
4. life preserver with a bright idea
5. fire extinguisher used to put out Christmas trees

Would Anyone Buy a Wallet

2008-04-28T21:14:00.001-07:00

With this printed on it?

Additionally, would you buy one of these leotards?

Finally, which leotard would you buy?

This guy's cruisin' a Cincinnati shuttle bus

2008-04-25T12:55:00.000-07:00

Shumpa-hup Rex!

The New Line of Prison Toilet Valves

2008-04-25T11:13:00.000-07:00

...from Sloan! I thought you'd all be interested in the types of toilet valves offered to prisons by Sloan. Record numbers of American prisoners means one thing: record numbers of nasty prison dumps.

Take a look- the pipes come off their moorings for quick-and-easy riot bludgeoning.

The Thump-N-Bump Expressway

2008-04-23T14:47:00.000-07:00

I'd think this was an April Fools joke, but it's dated the 22nd. God bless Rendell.

"If you don't like it, don't drive it." - Bill Allen, designing engineer of the Schuylkill Expressway

by the way, Go Trick!

Charlie Rose by Samuel Beckett

2008-04-23T13:03:00.000-07:00

Modern Day Monacle!

2008-04-23T07:23:00.000-07:00

This guy was going to town on his nails while biting down on a
magnifying glass with his right eye. The pic doesn't convey the frenzy
with which he wielded his nail file. His pants were dusted by ground-
up nail powder.

Clinton vs Obama vs the samoan drop

2008-04-22T19:12:00.000-07:00

Looks like we are gonna find out who is the king of the ring afterall...

Presidental race and WWE

2008-04-22T17:10:00.000-07:00

Wow now we all have to look at this hillary went to wwe and said today im hillrod and the election is starting to feel like king of the ring and the last man standing just might be a women(not going to happen i might add). Then borrack comes on and ask do you smell what barrack is cooking. Then jhon Mccain says something that was wack but check it out.

Nude pope it ain't, but still disturbing...

2008-04-21T14:32:00.000-07:00

nothing like watching someone going through hell...thanks, internets.

Seen leaving Ralphs at 10:46pm

2008-04-18T22:47:00.000-07:00

I bought bread, oj and cinnamon raisin English muffins. Her? I
couldn't see what she got.

More on Nude Pope

2008-04-17T12:30:00.000-07:00

{UPDATE: Received some complaints from Snarles, and I have to agree that that pic was freaking me the freak out. I added 2 star babies and a seal puppy, hopefully that softens it up a bit.}

Mostra sull'omosessualità vietata ai minori

Found this online. I'm sorry.

Sorry I've been absent...

2008-04-17T07:55:00.001-07:00

By way of apology, here's a picture of a wolverine (it's not real,
though).

Once Kicked, Never Shy: Why I Abandoned my Family To Kick it Up With Chilean Mountain Ewes

2008-04-16T20:38:00.000-07:00

Best Blog Ever, Part 3: Heeeere's Kevin!

2008-04-16T20:26:00.001-07:00

Kevin just posted his response on the last comment, I'll copy it here:

kevin said...

Ok, I accept your offer to come write on your blog. As you can see, I can use punctuations and good grammar.

p.s Tell me when I can start, you can reach me at my blog or www.myspace.com/yourreviewwordpress; also at imsoflyoh@****.com, but put in subject line thecomfyzone writer (erase my email when you can if so).

kevin

Can't wait!! Since this is a democratically run blog, though, we'll have to put this one to a vote. ComfyZone Members, please use the poll to the right to tell us whether or not we can bring Kevin into the fold as a Guest Blogger.

Vote Yes For Kevin!

Best Blog Ever, Part 2: The Blog Wars

2008-04-16T14:15:00.000-07:00

So we just heard from Kevin, the author of the blog referenced in the previous post. Kevin has this to say (original can be seen in the comments to the previous post):

why are you talking about my blog nobody did any thing to you if you had gutts {sic} you would send this link to my face its {sic} a study that i am runing {sic} will people go to this blog if the wording is crapy {sic} its {sic} for my 8th grade project you stupped low {sic} your {sic} not cool man

First of all, my apologies to Kevin. If that truly is your goal with the blog, you've succeeded I actually think it's really awesome. I shouldn't have used the word "shitty" when describing it. Snarles perhaps summed it up better in his comment on Kevin's blog:

It's a little like looking into the writers brain and seeing everything that's there. You can
really get a great view of the entire brainpiece. No mysteries at all.

Kevin, you've created a master brainpiece. We'd love to invite you to post on this blog as well if you're interested.

Best Blog Ever

2008-04-15T10:42:00.001-07:00

Why even bother when this guy is hitting it of the park, day after day?

http://yourreview.wordpress.com/

This guy's blog is truly one of the shitties, most incomprehensible things I've ever seen. Which also makes it really awesome. I'd like to help this guy build a big following.

Sample post:

21 The movie

Posted in movies with tags 21 the movie on April 14, 2008 by yourreview

Lets make this quick 21 The movie it was great thrilling not knowing what was going to happen yet it was a good movie to watch. Now Ben is the main character but people can relate to him when he was at his lowest point people probably have been in the same place as him. But there where some sad parts and there were some funny parts. The movie is about a guy that needs some money to get into college and he goes to Vegas for that but I’m sure I already said to much so you have to watch the movie for your self. But if you are asking is this a go see movie sure it is a go see but some of the stuff in the movie is unlikely to happen.

The Twinkle In Cheney's Eye: A Nude Dude?

2008-04-14T19:01:00.000-07:00

This picture is from the White House website (go here to see the original).

What's that in the reflection in Cheney's glasses?

{UPDATE: In this high-res version provided to The Comfy Zone by the White House, you can clearly see that the object in question is actually Cheney wrapping his hand around his own fishing pole. Mystery solved. It WAS a nude dude.}

Call Me Snake

2008-04-14T10:15:00.000-07:00

No wait, call me Plissken. Actually, you can call me any of the following: Stuntman Mike, Reno Hightower, Jack Burton, Gabe Cash, or Captain Ron. Just don't call me Hauk, OK?

This was drawn by my sweet pal Josh Hindson, of No Star Clothing. Start emailing him & demanding they make a T Shirt with this on it. (don't forget to mention that he should also make a Borgnine one.)

Also, while doing some RussellResearch for this post, I uncovered the following C.U.B. (Completely UnBelievable) facts:

- Kurt Russell wrote Escape from LA

- He was signed to his first acting contract at age 9 by Actual Walt Disney The Guy

- He played minor league baseball

- Patrick Swayze was originally cast as Cash-- Russell only got the part after he dropped out

- Dennis Quaid was originally supposed to play Russell's character in Backdraft

- Ron Shelton wrote Bull Durham for and about Russell. Kevin Costner only got the job when the studio insisted on a bigger star.

Sounds like Russell, Swayze, Costner, Hasselhoff and Quaid may be due for a reunion tour.

Bush plans to greet pope in a big way

2008-04-13T18:46:00.001-07:00

This was a headline on CNN.com.

Contest: Let's hear what you think the President could do to greet the Pontiff in a big way.

Incidentally, this reminds me of a fake headline Snarles and I made up a long time ago when he was living in Italy: "Pope Greets Guitar Boy Wonder: Naked!" After translating this into Italian for Snarles' curious host father, this prompted him to ask (in Italian): "Wait, so who is naked? The Pope or the guitar boy?" He looked slightly scandalized by the thought of a naked Pope, but I also recall a smile creeping onto his face. (I also remember this moment giving me faith in the future of the Catholic church and its people. If we can't make Nude Pope jokes, then what good are we?)

Here's another guy who looks just like he sounds

2008-04-10T10:53:00.000-07:00

Tom McGinnis

2008-04-09T21:45:00.000-07:00

one of the best things about tom mcginnis, voice of the Sixers basketball network on radio 610 WIP is, in contrast to virtually every other radio personality in the world, he looks exactly like you think he would.

OH YEAH! GET OUTTA TOWN, BABY!

Hey Ted!

2008-04-09T21:07:00.000-07:00

Thanks for reading our blog!

(you guys don't know Ted. He's alright thought.)

While a lot of things could be said about this

2008-04-09T17:32:00.000-07:00

I can't help but think that it's just really funny.

You don't think it's funny? Well go fuck yourself.

Seriously though I'll take this one down if anybody objects. I'm almost finished chuckling about tit.

Breaking News!

2008-04-08T19:07:00.001-07:00

There was no indication these news stories were grouped by theme, and if that's in fact true then what we have is simply a miracle moment in animal-related news stories.

Too bad that last one is sports related. It would be nice if the AP & Reuters reported on routine conflicts between different wild species.

To The Stoner Who Works At Cottage Inn Pizza

2008-04-05T09:46:00.000-07:00

craigslist...

Date: 2007-09-18, 11:30AM EDT

You: the guy who answers the phone at cottage inn pizza
Me: Hungry and stoned out of my gourd

I called you from my cell phone but had completely forgot who I was calling by the time you answered the phone. Of course, you were also baked to bajeezus and forgot to tell me that I had called Cottage Inn.

When you answered and said, “Whatsup?” I thought about it, and after a 20 second pause I told you that was hungry. You suggested I try a pizza, and I agreed that it was probably a good idea.

Then I asked you if you sold pizza and you said that you could make me one. I said I wanted anchovies and something else on my pizza. You asked me what that something else was.

We spent five minutes listing toppings until we figured out that I was trying to remember how to say: “Sun dried Tomatoes.” When you said: “We'll bake that right up for you,” we both started laughing uncontrollably.

It was the best pizza I ever had; I just wanted to thank you for helping me out.

Two Cougars in a Cougar

2008-04-04T13:41:00.001-07:00

The LA Times recently published a photograph of a real baby cougar inside a real vintage Mercury Cougar™. What they didn't reveal (and what can be seen in the original photograph, shown below) is that there were in fact two Cougars in that Cougar, for a total of Three Cougars. Why did the LA Times editorial board feel the need to omit the third Cougar? Is John Mellencamp no longer a Cougar just because he shortened his stage name? Once a Cougar, always a Cougar in my book. And my book has a lot of Cougars in it.*

*my book can be purchased online at South African amazon.com. Only Krugerrands are accepted.

Various

2008-03-28T12:27:00.000-07:00

Those Magick spelles were indeed just the thing I needed to get me through my day. (what's a gregg's list?)

A few things about the Sixers website. If you go to www.sixers.com, there's this little flash animation of Hip Hop at the bottom that's kindof so infuriating I want to put it on this blog. Anyone know how to do that?

When trying to steal the code for it, I noticed that these are the (only) meta tags listed for the sixers website:

meta name="keywords" content="Philadelphia 76ers, Sixers, Allen Iverson, Eric Snow, Aaron McKie, Kyle Korver, Glenn Robinson, Randy Ayers, Billy King, Sixers Dance Team, 76ers tickets, World B. Free, Charles Barkley, Julius Erving, Wilt Chamberlain"

What about Jeff Hornacek?

Speaking of Hip Hop, you may also be wondering what the fuck this is all about:

Before you get superpissed, read this.

Also also, this is truly awesome.

I'd say this is about a billion times more useful...

2008-03-28T09:23:00.000-07:00

http://www.wizards-magic-spells.com/gvoodoobcheckoutonline.htm

veeeery useful

2008-03-26T10:41:00.001-07:00

http://www.craigstoolbox.com/post/Ad-Preview-Extension-for-Firefox.aspx

the worst basketball picture ever

2008-03-20T11:57:00.001-07:00

Wellsie-- I'd love to hear you play this song...

2008-03-16T20:00:00.001-07:00

Aisling, by Shane MacGowan.

Go to approx. 11:45 in the video...

That's Not a Hawk!!

2008-03-14T15:14:00.000-07:00

I'm happy that someone created this website.

ahh, wikipedia...

2008-03-13T23:11:00.000-07:00

from "Rule of Thumb"

It is often claimed that the term originally referred to a law that limited the maximum thickness of a stick with which it was permissible for a man to beat his wife, but this has been partially discredited.

Correction!

2008-03-12T19:11:00.000-07:00

This was a correction at the bottom of an article in the NYTimes about fuel prices. I thought it was worth sharing:

The earlier version contained an incorrect number in a quotation from Jim Frieze of O & S Trucking. He said, "If a driver's gear shifts take him over 1,800 r.p.m., he's just blowing fuel out the stack," rather than "8,000 r.p.m."

In my opinion, this really misses the point. Blowing fuel out the stack can--and should--be achieved at virtually any r.p.m.

are you ready?

2008-03-12T09:08:00.001-07:00

Grand Canyon May Be Bigger Than Thought

2008-03-06T12:25:00.001-08:00

from nytimes.com...

By JOHN NOBLE WILFORD 2:00 PM ET

Geologists have concluded that the Grand Canyon is far larger than previous estimates. For years, observers thought the canyon to be "pretty damn big," sometimes going so far as to use the adjective "huge."

New research conducted by geologists at the University of New Mexico has concluded that the canyon is in fact "totally fucking ginormous." The research team, led by geologist Victor Polyak, came to their startling conclusion several months ago, while perched upon a cliff on the canyon's northern face during an early morning hike.

"We were really surprised by our results" Polyak said in a telephone interview. "The sun was coming up and we were staring out at the southern face, and my colleague Mike Hughes goes 'Man, this thing is huge.' I looked at him for a second, then at the canyon, and I was like 'No it's not man, it's totally fucking ginormous."

In an accompanying commentary, two British geologists who were not involved in the research wrote that some scientists had suspected the greater scale for the canyon’s dimensions, but the new study “demonstrates it firmly for the first time.”

The geologists, Tim C. Atkinson of University College, London and Michael Leeder of the University of East Anglia, said that the “new size for such a major valley confirms that on geological scales, the Grand Canyon is more than just a drop in the pan, if you will. It's a totally fucking ginormous beast, one that shouldn't be reckoned with lightly." Atkinson and Leeder then proceeded to crank up the car stereo, and did a little dance with their hands.

One more reason to love Obama

2008-03-02T22:20:00.000-08:00

or should i call him Obumpah.

Running the Urban Iditarod

2008-03-02T20:22:00.000-08:00

In washington...

2008-02-29T12:44:00.001-08:00

The state highways have george's bust.

Which one?

2008-02-28T14:41:00.000-08:00

This was displayed behind the good mayor as he delivered his keynote.

Ben Bernanke Bankin' On No-StagFlation-Nation

2008-02-28T13:00:00.000-08:00

On Thu, Feb 28, 2008 at 3:09 PM, Swangoon wrote:

I'm working up a post on how Ben Bernanke just announced that he

doesn't believe we're headed into a period of "Stagflation"

Can't think of a good NY Posty headline.

Bernanke + Stagflation alone is pretty damn awesome, but I want that

fucker to ZING!

Zing! ZIng! Zing!!!

On Feb 28, 2008, at 12:33 PM, Lil Baby Snarles wrote:

Those are long difficult words that don't lend themselves to zing-y headline riding. Esp. since you want to use both "Bernanke" and "Stagflation"

Here are four quick offerings:

"Bankin' Bennie Bags Stag"

"Bernanke: Stagflation Situation Won't Faze Nation"

"Stag Leaps Fence, Bounds Through Prairie"

"Bernanke Bankin' On No-Stag Jag"

On Thu, Feb 28, 2008 at 3:47 PM, Swangoon wrote:

(willow voice) You aaaare great! You made me laugh, Madmardigan. Thank you.

I think I've found it-- a slight variation on your last one:

Ben Bernanke Bankin' On No-StagFlation-Nation

It actually has a weird sing-songy, palindromic quality to it. Print it! (what does a copy editor say upon approval of an article for next day's edish?)

On Feb 28, 2008, at 12:52 PM, Widdle Bibble Snarly Poop wrote:

Run it!

I think...

Garfield Permutation

2008-02-27T13:42:00.000-08:00

This is a clever idea. Basically, they removed Garfield from his own comic strip and made it infinitely more better.

http://garfieldminusgarfield.tumblr.com/

Last night I got drunk with a midget named Randy

2008-02-27T05:31:00.000-08:00

Here he is dressed as a Leprechaun. He kept groping this girl's ass to
the point where she got angry at him, but he refused to apologize. By
the end of the night he was asking me if I wanted to film him "jumpin
out of a cake or somethin".

Oscar night

2008-02-25T20:08:00.001-08:00

hello all. the following was emailed by a friend who was recapping the oscar night party i attended:

whirlybird 10k decided that the oscars were so 07 and put on
Dallas. mUch to the chagrin of everyone since it was
an f-ing oscar party. he was wrestled to the ground
by mob, mitchell and tim. klaitz darted around and did
a lot of taunting but was not so much of a help. butt
cracks a-plenty. whirlybird 10k was then held there because
he refused to submit. he was also screaming "leave it
on!" over and over. i moved the coffee table and gave
him a few cheap shots to his nether regions with our
beloved oscar phallus. they held him there for a good,
what?, like 10 minutes. i'm not sure, but it felt
long. and every so often he would get an unnerving
burst of energy and try to get free.

i got whirlybird 10k to leave calmly because
i gave him the dallas dvds. he left his tray et al,
took the ear pieces to my ipod, and left yelling "I'm
gonna watch the s#$t out of some f-ing dallas!"

did i mention he also gave out tattoos? scott had
something on his forehead for a brief time. whirlybird 10k
left with a toucan tat on his cheek and a dino tat on
his neck. the one on his neck was fairly bad ass. i
have a pic on my phone. he looks like a meth addict.
when whirlybird 10k saw the pic i took of him he said "now
that guy wants to watch some f-ing dallas."

finally, this morning, i got an 8am text from him
asking 'did i do anything bad last night?

Power haircut

2008-02-25T12:24:00.001-08:00

Just got this super-do at the Modern Barber Shop in Mountain view, ca. I think the proprietor meant 'modern' in the architectural sense. I told him I wanted it cleaned up for a business meeting, and he really poofed it out!

Cut: $16
Tip: $4
Total: $20

my new name

2008-02-25T09:49:00.000-08:00

i would like everyone to casually refer to me as:

"THE ORIGINAL SWISS MISTER"

thank you.

incidentally, www.swissmister.com isn't taken. it might be soon.

Dutch Dog knows she's gonna get a bath

2008-02-22T11:23:00.001-08:00

That's why she's hiding behind Dutch Wife.

Leprechaun sigting in Mobile, Alabama

2008-02-20T09:52:00.001-08:00

Lately I've had a number of dealings with Leprechauns for the show that I'm working on. Someone just sent me this bideo, which could be pertinent to everyone:

SEI Tomoko

2008-02-20T08:47:00.000-08:00

All that hanging around with rappers -- WB10k is tipping like one!

However, the outrageous price for this haircut (though he totally needed one) was not necessary for the full salon experience in NYC.

He should have gone to visit Mutsumi Cahill and the "Thank You Very Much" Girls at SEI Tomoko salon. They have several locations around the city and they give you tea, wash your hair, massage your scalp, cut your hair, massage your neck and back and then send you on your way for approx. $65.

http://www.seitomoko.com/

Tell Mutsumi that King Snarles VI said "Thank you very much!!"

Here's a woman who really enjoys a good scalp massage.

2008-02-19T22:22:00.000-08:00

I just had one myself. It came as part of a surprisingly expensive haircut. I walked in, got a wildcat scalp massage / haircut, and paid the following:

• $96 for the haircut
• $10 tip for the scalp rubber
• $30 tip for the haircutter guy*
• $136 total + tax

Expenses aside, I discovered that a good scalp massage is nothing short of delectable.

*I was bewildered by the financial scale I was dealing with (they offered me Mint tea when I walked in). I overcompensated by offering the french haircutter guy a tip just beyond the scale of good taste. $20 would have been fine. $30 means you've got something to prove.

This is the best picture of french tennis star Yannick Noah that I've ever seen

2008-02-19T22:13:00.001-08:00

Noah became France's most prominent tennis hero in 1983, becoming the first Frenchman in 37 years to win the French Open. He dropped only one set during the two-week long tournament, and defeated the defending-champion Mats Wilander in straight sets in the final 6-2, 7-5, 7-6.

Dirty word?

2008-02-19T14:26:00.000-08:00

You be the judge. I wonder how many letters LA county has received about this.

At the chinese new years parade

2008-02-19T14:22:00.001-08:00

(It's already been opened!)

Italio-train!

2008-02-19T10:27:00.001-08:00

I'm taking the LA train to pick up my car. Its a perfectly quiet morning, until at the next stop 20 really chatty italians all board. Sitting all around me, their cacophonus zest fills the car. A mix of designer sunglasses (see outline of head in photo), prada bags, and shiny gucci shoes is matched only by their complete disregard for volume. There's a guy singing behind me. Its a welcome addition.

Entry: Story of the Year '08

2008-02-19T09:51:00.002-08:00

BBC:
Sudan man forced to 'marry' goat

A Sudanese man has been forced to take a goat as his "wife", after he was caught having sex with the animal.

The goat's owner, Mr Alifi, said he surprised the man with his goat and took him to a council of elders.

They ordered the man, Mr Tombe, to pay a dowry of 15,000 Sudanese dinars ($50) to Mr Alifi.

"We have given him the goat, and as far as we know they are still together," Mr Alifi said.

Mr Alifi, of Hai Malakal in Upper Nile State, told the Juba Post newspaper that he heard a loud noise around midnight on 13 February and immediately rushed outside to find Mr Tombe with his goat.

"When I asked him: 'What are you doing there?', he fell off the back of the goat, so I captured and tied him up."

Mr Alifi then called elders to decide how to deal with the case.

"They said I should not take him to the police, but rather let him pay a dowry for my goat because he used it as his wife," Mr Alifi told the newspaper.

Klown Van

2008-02-19T09:27:00.001-08:00

Finally realizing that it's just not possible to fir 12 clowns in a tiny car, today's modern clowns aren't "kidding" themselves any longer.

Test

2008-02-19T09:22:00.001-08:00

Hey, chubby guy who walks around totally nude in the locker room and then just stands in front of the mirror looking at himself for a long time...

2008-02-18T21:09:00.000-08:00

...next time you do that, I'm going to take a picture of you. Be aware that I will try my best to include your danglin' hams in the frame.

Consider this your last warning. I held off today, but that's the last time.

Smashing Telly

2008-02-18T20:59:00.000-08:00

Hi Gents. Here's a dreamy site: http://smashingtelly.com/

It links to free bideos on a range of topics. The guy who runs it has great taste.

Comfy Zone Refuses to Recognize Independent Kosovo

2008-02-18T15:15:00.000-08:00

Out of respect for a Serbian cab driver I once had in Rotterdam who patiently explained to me at 4 in the morning that the entire Balkan conflict was basically the fault of Bosnians & Kosovars, I hereby decree that The Comfy Zone will not be recognizing Kosovo as an independent state.

On a related note, I also now pronounce myself as King of Chad. I'm gonna get everything settled over there in the next few weeks, I promise.

This should be seen by everyone.

2008-02-17T22:12:00.000-08:00

It was shot in Doylestown, PA, circa 1990. The star is a friend named Jeremy. I wonder if he would consider a remake. Starring himself. In the same basement with the same outfit.

The keyboard in that video is resting against the wall about 3 feet from where I sleep. Here's a picture of it: